OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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