And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
