I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
