..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
