its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
