Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
