Ambien. No doubt about it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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