I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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