The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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