Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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