he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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