after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
