After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
