We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
