I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
