So drunk its hurt
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
