There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
they're like a gay fantastic four
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
