i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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