Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
