Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
