I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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