is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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