what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
