So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
