but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
