Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
