They should really pass out barf bags in church
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
