im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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