I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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