she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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