She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
