you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
