Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
