Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
