Umm I'm too high to move.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
