woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
