my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
