Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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