I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
