Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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