If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
