Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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