No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
