I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
