my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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