Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
