Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
