Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
