Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
