I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
