We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
