the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
