I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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