just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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