life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
