she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
