I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
