drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize